Ok, I know that I just posted something yesterday but I am feeling really blue right now and I need to let it all out somewhere. Maybe I’ll feel better after I get it all off my chest. I keep thinking that I am ok with being back at work. I mean sure, I miss Alanna like crazy, but I keep telling myself that I am doing this for her. That by me working, she will never go wanting. But honestly, I hate it. I hate that I am not the one that gets to spend time with Alanna all day. That I don’t get to watch her every bit of growing. That I can’t be the one who teaches her how to sit up and crawl and talk and, well, everything. I really hate myself for this. I feel like it should be me. That I, as her mother, should be the one to feed her and play with her all day. To lay her down for a nap and be there to hold her when she cries. I get to see her from 5pm until 6am the next morning. But she goes to sleep between 10pm and 11pm and so I really only get to see for about five or six hours a day. And she will probably nap an hour or two of that time. Sigh. It’s like I never get to spend time with her. Today for instance, she has been asleep since at least 7pm. I got to hold and play with her for maybe an hour since I got off work late today and didn’t get to pick her up until 6pm. There are days that I cry all the way to and from work. Tomorrow will probably be one of those days. I just hope I don’t miss everything because I am at work all the time. Being a part-time parent sucks.